| pane |
[Dec. 25th, 2009|12:39 am] |
( +1 ) |
|
|
| .the law of accelerating returns. |
[Dec. 24th, 2009|01:41 pm] |
3 cold hard walls & dreams about the other side
healthcare passed in the Senate
merry, merry, merry christmas! |
|
|
| .i.do.love. .i do. |
[Dec. 22nd, 2009|10:27 am] |
 Click to Listen to Tara Mackey - I Can Stop The Rain
that's my rihanna demo.
producer says it's "radio ready" and we just have about 5 minutes of touch ups to do and then we can start working on Enemy.
i do feel like every new song has been a test that i have to pass to get to a hotter, newer, much better song.
i was so worried about it because i didn't think i did my 110% best in the studio and some things were a struggle, but i am so happy with it.
knowing that those are my harmonies, my choices, my scales, my nuances, makes me absolutely giddy.
i do have a lot of great things happening and i have to remember that, and use this opportunity to appreciate it as much as humanly possible.
i'm so grateful to have such incredible friends to remind me on a daily basis.
school is done.
FAFSA filed, although i still don't understand why applying for financial aid costs $75.
my case was closed at social services and i'm debating opening it again, even though with every day of winter my back hurts more and more and i do feel like i deserve the aid.
but they're such a pain in the ass and i'm making enough money at the moment to fully support myself, even though after rent there's not enough (for me, personally) left over. the more songs i bang out, the easier it'll get, so it drives me to work much harder.
i'm on this huge roller coaster of emotion on a minute by minute basis.
i just heard a patient say
" how long is it going to hurt? is it going to hurt for a long time?"
sigh.
i've had those thoughts every few moments.
i lovelovelove you all so much.
thank you. ♥
( forget regret )
You are here to enable the divine purpose of the universe to unfold
That is how important you are |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 20th, 2009|09:18 pm] |
it's hard to tell what's important anymore.
i'm trying to appreciate everybody
but i don't feel like i can see anyone.
i've been holed up in my apartment since friday.
raelie had her first snowfall today.
she jumped around and frolicked and licked everything and got confused.
it was precious and made me fall in love with everything about her again.
i tried to connect last night but it never seemed like the right thing to do
or with the right person.
everybody wanted to drink and i knew that wouldn't help.
so i stayed home and went to sleep.
my back is killing me.
i'm living off of tea and flexeril.
i keep taking it at 9 pm and waking up at 3 a.m. with the t.v. on, or static - movie over, laptop humming, raelie buried in my armpits or at my feet.
i made dinner tonight and barely ate it.
it burned a little because i forgot i was cooking
never, ever hungry.
every new loss brings up everything else.
i always forgetforgetforget why there are such thick walls around me.
for every good friend i've had a funeral.
that's how it feels.
i finished christmas shopping today.
had some money left and
bought myself a wet to dry straightener, vitamin e, and the only pretty A cup bra i've seen in months and months.
it made me sad, buying lingerie.
usually i am content to feel beautiful wearing it for myself, but it amplified something else this time.
being on my laptop makes my back kill to the point where my shoulders and my neck hurt
so i've just been readingreading and lighting candles and blowing them out and mixing the wax.
i don't like to share things with anyone, and people have been so supportive.
i still haven't seen kate, even though i'd really like to.
i'm trying so hard not to cry all the time.
my roommate knocked on my door before and cried in my arms.
he's cheating on me, he's cheating on me.
i told her not to compromise herself and she said she felt like she had no friends and i said, i don't either. i really don't. i don't trust anybody, but you have to be okay by yourself. she said, i don't have nobody. i don't have nobody, tara.
she hugged me so hard i almost broke.
i needed it too, though.
i haven't hugged anyone or seen anyone or talked to anyone and i knew i was breaking.
it started to feel selfish.
it's strange because i'm not depressed, but i am so sad.
i'm sad for dee and i'm sad for vicky and the arrue's and i'm sad for kate and i'm sad for everyone else and i'm sad that this always happens when i have just accepted that we're over it. that i'll never again get a phone call from kate telling me that a mutual friend of ours has died.
this is number 5 since we were 16 and it still makes no sense.
why does it always have to be so tragic and hopeless?
it's just bringing up everything, absolutely everything.
i bought a bottle of champagne for when i have something to celebrate.
i promised myself i wouldn't count the days until i opened it
but i know i will. |
|
|
| .love is not loss. |
[Dec. 19th, 2009|08:02 pm] |
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
i have not felt loss in so long.
all i could do was crycrycry.
( fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck )
i have so many more
but i just can't
right now
fuck
i just can't.
i emailed her sister telling her i had dozens of pictures of dee if she needed them, and that i had seen them all in jamaica 6 days ago and even though regrets are pointless, i feel horrible that i didn't say hi.
she said,
i know.
i saw you too.
and didn't say hi.
fuck fuck fuck fuck. |
|
|
| .our.ability.to.take.collective.action. |
[Dec. 18th, 2009|12:11 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | living, love, meditation, music, nyc, psychic challenge, raeliecuddles, relationships, sometimes, soul, studio | ] |
i cannot express how grateful that i am.
each day is living and learning and wonderful beautiful people where you least expect them.
i recorded a demo for rihanna yesterday. they had told me they were going to pitch it to her but when i got there mark told me that the meeting with her management team was confirmed for next week so we had to knock the song "out of the mother fucking ballpark" that day. 1,000 miles had taken us 6 hours to record, which is a pretty long time, but they gave me so much helpful, amazing advice and encouragement that i don't think anyone was bothered by it, and it turned out much better than they had hoped. they used the word "impressive", actually, which has made my week.
the demo yesterday took about 3 hours, even with taking breaks to listen to rihanna and similar artists and other songs that they want to work on with me and get my input. this weekend we're working on "Enemy", which they're sending to britney spears management in Sweden, but not to pitch it to an artist - mark really wants it to be mine, which is awesome because i am totally absorbed in that song and i think it's really hot. they've already heard me over there with 1,000 miles but since it's Jordin's song they asked mark to give me something to express more range so that they can shop me around on a 2 or 3 song package.
we're also going to try this song "Hottie" next week, which sounds absurd but it's really fun and has been stuck in my head for two weeks. it's going to be Fergie's, since they can't see it fitting anywhere else (think "London Bridge", where almost nothing is actually sung and the lyrics are ridiculous).
this whole thing has happened so quickly and has become quite intimidating at times. we will talk and talk and talk about my style, bringing something unique, soulful, passionate, deep, putting myself into the place of the lyrics, throwing myself into it and becoming "that person". whenever i hit a right place mark always screams "THERE SHE IS!" or something to that effect. it's really exciting and encouraging. what i don't get is when they want me to have my own style, but also sound exactly like these people (rihanna, beyonce, gaga, ciara, mary j). i essentially have to throw everything i have learned in voice lessons and everything i spent a bizillion dollars of my education on out the window. they want everything slurred, fucked up, mispronounced, unreadable, which i guess makes sense - it adds to the intrigue, but it's so hard for me. we always have to go back and say "how would rihanna say "you"?" or "how does beyonce hit her high notes?" or "what does lady gaga do with her voice in the beginning of bad romance that we can apply here?" we even listened to judy garland the other day. yesterday mark said "it's really amazing to watch you sing. you look like billie holiday." ♥
they have been so patient with me and i can't tell you how much i appreciate it because it's been a stretch for me at times. it hasn't made me frustrated in a discouraging way, but i do get very tense sometimes and have to take a break or two. it's intimidating, but that helps me tremendously - it helps me focus and push myself and be that girl, be in that place, become that thing.
mark learned by accident that i play piano yesterday.
we were working on harmonies and i just said "what about this?"
and hit an A chord.
he looked totally stunned for a second and then was like "okay you needed to tell me this two weeks ago. we need to work with that."
anyway, after the studio i had an hour wait in penn station, so i grabbed a beer and sat in Rosa's and listened to music and wrote.
two men sat across from me - one late 60's, one who looked exactly like my dad.
out of intrigue, i asked the latter what nationality he was, and he said "african american."
he was superlight, like my dad is, and i told him so. he said he gets asked a lot if he's mixed, but he isn't - people just don't know that it's possible to be "less black" than they imagine a black person to be. i wanted to take a picture of him but i didn't want to be a creep.
the other man, who works with him, asked me what i was listening to (people get confused about my dsi), and we got to talking about music. he told me that he's a lawyer but plays french horn, sax, and bass and does jazz music. he also majored in bio at a special highschool in the city, then bio at hofstra, then went to law school.
all 3 of us ended up being on the same train, and the older man and i talked about science, genetics, jazz, music, billie holiday, politics, beer, and life for the next hour and a half, until he got off at his stop. i let him hear my music and he said that he could tell, even through the pop, that jazz is where my soul is and that i reminded him of norah jones. he had just bought her new cd (and 5 more at starbucks, including alicia, who i lovelovelove), and gave it to me.
the whole experience was pretty phenominal. i just love meeting new people and i love knowing that these kinds of people still exist in the world, and are open and willing to engage with other people. so many times in new york city i feel like i'm alone in a sea of 8.4 million people, and no one will even make eye contact unless they're homeless or hitting on you.
it's so nice to feel like all of my hard work is paying off. i've been back in NY for 3 years, and in that time i feel like a lot of things (including myself, relationships, friendships, tragedies, family) have held me back. i have sometimes surrounded myself with negative, possessive, controlling people, and i let them take over my being, self esteem, integrity, self worth, and passions. i am the kind of person who needs and lives off of and thrives on alone time, and i feel like everytime i commit myself to a person, i get consumed. i have done a lot of soul searching in a pretty short period of time. i am trying to reach out and surround myself with the most encouraging of people, and reconnect with old friends who are positive and have always made me happy. the thing is that other people are nice to have around, but sometimes i just don't feel like i need them. i can help, encourage, judge, inspire and console myself quite well. sometimes i would prefer to sit in a cafe and drink a beer by myself, collect my own thoughts, write my own goals, instead of discussing them with another person who feels the need to give you an opinion.
i don't think from 18-21 i was even really ready to accept success, or had enough of an idea about who i was to make it work.
i have become so comfortable with myself. so happy with who i am and so driven to stay on my ground, on my pedistal. i have everything within my grasp or within my sight that i have needed and been depressed over not having for so long. i am taking care of myself in every way - financially, emotionally, physically, musically. the only thing i do think i need to work on is the spiritual. sometimes when i absorb myself in science (as i've been doing much of to prepare for school - thank you miss gail for that comprehensive bio textbook ♥ ) i feel like i either have everything figured out, or that it's already been solved for me and is not worth thinking about. i have to meditate and realize that that isn't true - that it will never be true. we are always growing and changing and we have to act accordingly. i do feel unbalanced in that sense, and i think when i have my soul in working order, the rest will come into place much more easily. i have finally realized that i am worthy of all of these things that i want, and now they are attainable. it is a great, great feeling.
i have made a resolve to be careful. not a lot of people understand what it is like to put yourself first, or want to accept that one can do that and still love to their fullest potential. i can understand that, but i have honestly come to the conclusion that you cannot love to your fullest potential without putting yourself first. you need to be the best person that you can be in order to affect other people in the most positive way possible - once you project positive energy, positive people will be attracted to you, and it grows and grows.
i firmly believe that.
i do.
a lot of people confuse need, control, and power with Love.
i try not to get too preachy about this, because i think that Love is different for everyone, in every situation. i know a lot of people try to make it work because they are co-dependent, but i do think that all of it just comes down to loneliness & the human condition.
however, like any condition, it is something that you can completely overcome.
if somebody loves you - really loves you - they will accept you for you.
not who you were, or who they want you to be.
you, here and now, living on a clean slate every day.
i think that is the key, that forgiveness is the key, that acceptance is the key, and that everyone deserves it. i don't see how you can grow if somebody who claims to have deep feelings is telling you daily that you are somebody else, or treats you as less of what you are and who you can become. there is no encouragement or positivity in that, even in the smallest sense.
i am not perfect at this; not by a long shot. i struggle every day. i miss, i long for, i need, i ache, but there is that second or two where you make the decision to either give in, or grow. i've been trying to take those few moments to find out what will have a more positive impact on my life - if i am just giving in because they want to talk to, see, be with me, or if being with them would really make me happier and help my life. it is a struggle of the most intense kind, but i think in the end it will make me a better, stronger person. i have lost a lot of will power along the way, but i'm finding that it really does just take that extra moment of thought to find your way again.
i got my official acceptance letter for school yesterday.
showed it to mom and she almost cried.
she said she's so happy that everything is finally coming together for me
she sees me being hardworking at everything - work, school, music, relationships, writing, taking care of raelie, straightening out my life - and is so proud.
she said my grandpa said it too, which is.. crazy. he never says anything of the kind, which made me so truly happy.
listening to schizophrenics rant opens my mind more than yoga and meditation music or videos.
i'm being careful with my emotions
i am dealing with life day by bloody day
upwards and onwards
but for the most part, i am happy.
truly, truly happy.
 |
|
|
| .used.to.do.nothing. |
[Dec. 18th, 2009|12:28 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | $$$, acceptance letter, genetics, love, management team, manhattan bridge, music, nyc, prayers for dee, rihanna demo, science, studio, work | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | .3rd.eye. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | ♥ | ] |
( there was )
♥
 |
|
|
| in a tree |
[Dec. 16th, 2009|08:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | ladyhawke | ] |
( +1 ) |
|
|
| A Year in the Life |
[Dec. 14th, 2009|09:05 am] |
In January, I went abroad. I’ve always dreamed of going abroad, of seeing another part of the world beyond my own bedroom window. It was a miraculous and dangerous venture, and my military friend laughingly reminds me that I’ve seen more action in the middle east than he has.
In May, I performed in a play that I’d longed to be in. It was challenging and wonderful, and we received praise reviews all around.
In July, I found a job that I love – or, rather, it found me. After three long years of struggling to become well enough to work steadily (and several months of searching for employment in a depressed economy), I received notice about a longterm, paid acting gig being cast by a fellow actor who had performed with me in May. I’ve been employed for five months now as a performing “Zombie” in the Chamber of Horrors (at the Vegas rendition of London’s famous Madame Tussaud’s wax museum). It’s a lot like being part of some strange little circus family, and I’m very much at home surrounded daily by a variety of artists and performers.
In August, I had my heart broken. Several times. Troy and I have had a tumultuous year, confronted with all the weight of our circumstances now that we’ve decided to officially tie the knot. He had the accident that month, and his perseverance was tested along with my devotion. I’m happy to report that all the trials we faced in August have only played a part in bringing us closer together and making us stronger for one another. Oh, did I mention I got engaged in January? Because I did.
In September, he surprised me with my very own engagement ring. It’s beautiful, and unique – much like our relationship. He'd been saving his money to buy one since January.
In October, I learned the value of taking things one step at a time, not overwhelming yourself with plans, and enjoying the simpler things in life. Your plans hardly ever work out anyway, so be prepared to just enjoy the mess.
In November, I bought my very first car with my own hard-earned money. I almost cried when the realization came to me that the next day, I would be driving my car to work – after three years of sickly, inhibited, frustrated hell.
By the time December rolled around, I was looking forward to my birthday for the first time in years. After spending some truly well-needed quality time with my mother, I celebrated with a large group of my most cherished friends. We put on silly hats and sang drunken karaoke at a local Irish pub, and I was reminded how lucky I am to know so many good-hearted and fascinating people.
With the holidays literally right around the corner, I look back at this year with a sense of dumb wonder. How could so many things have changed so dramatically, and I didn’t even notice? Christmas is almost just a week away, and Troy and I will begin decorating our tree tonight. Soon, he and I will be departing for another city to bring in the New Year in a way we definitely hadn’t planned. He’ll be having surgery in an attempt at repairing the damaged nerves in his left arm. We’re hopeful that he’ll regain at least some of its use.
It may be a less than ideal way to spend the New Year (him from a hospital bed, and me back home alone since I have to return to work New Year’s Eve), but I try to look at it this way: Troy will be regaining something he might have lost forever, and the coming year will be a year of possibility.
When Autumn comes, he and I will have ourselves a beautiful wedding. I’ll be wearing my grandmother’s wedding dress – a symbol of the relationship she has with my grandfather. They helped raise me for the first few crucial years of my life, and theirs is the most loving, honest relationship I’ve ever seen. I’m excited and honored to be wearing the dress she wore on the first day of their long, beautiful life together.
So, here’s to 2009: the year everything changed after so many stagnant years of wishing for it. And, here’s to 2010: the year my new life begins. |
|
|
| .music is everybody's possession. |
[Dec. 14th, 2009|09:39 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | 1000 miles, december, love, music, path, raelie, recording, sky, studio, winter, work | ] |
 Click to Listen: Tara Mackey- 1,000 Miles
it's been beautiful outside
i've only worn a coat 4 times so far in december
first time i've gotten paid for music
first time i've heard myself in auto-tune
first time i've recorded something i haven't written 100% myself
i have been cuddling with raelie for basically 48 hours straight.
lovelovelove my life
If being an egomaniac means I believe in what I do and in my art or music, then in that respect you can call me that... I believe in what I do, and I'll say it.
-John Lennon |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| |
|
|
accomplished
